Understanding Homophobia, The Hot Debate

Ever since my parents discovered my sexuality, I have been faced with the difficult task of understanding the implications surrounding this ejection from my family. I began to think and jot down my thoughts, as well as talk to as many people as I can about homophobia and how it has rooted its way into mainstream society.

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This is a post I wrote about three months ago, which contains much of my conglomerate beliefs:

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This is one of those posts that I deliberated as to whether or not I needed to put myself out there. I am assuming that I am not alone in this world, in fact, I understand and know many people whom are in my same situation. I also know those dear people whom I surround myself who are sensitive to the world of battling with an opposition so powerful as I am.

Homophobia used to be a word I never understood. I remember when I was in tenth grade and during class one day and the topic came up. One of my friends said her brother was incredibly homophobic. This was the first time I had ever heard this term. I had grown up sheltered, unaffected by the stimuli many children received in school growing up.

The term homophobia for me was no different than arachnophobia — the fear of spiders. But what is it about homosexuals that makes people fear them? My friends during that classroom discussion laughed at me when I asked this question. Only a few seconds later did they all stop and realize that the word itself made no sense. Why would people fear homosexuals?

This has been a question of my existence. This has been something that I have been exposed to day after day.

The story began when my parents first discovered my sexuality via a stupid decision I made on myspace. My mother did not hold back in yelling at me over the phone. The woman that I had loved so dearly chopped me at the knees with her words. “Fudgepacker, faggot, fucking homo.” These are all words that I learned to accept since that day.

Even as I was growing up I would be privy to throwing around anti-homosexual remarks. My belief was that if I truly wanted to insult someone, all I had to do was call them a “faggot” or refer to them as the sissy queens that we label the “gays”.

Words have so much power, and for the longest time I thought that was the only discrimination homosexuals went through. I even received this form of verbal abuse when my mother discovered my sexuality. I handled it, mostly by curling myself in a ball as my world around me crumbled. The blanket of safety and solace that I found in my family dissolved in a manner that was cruel, and I prayed to God that my mother would see the delusions she was suffering from. I was still her son.

From this point on my life, I truly discovered what homophobia is. That is, I discovered it partially. The past year and a half I have been slowly understanding the root of this passion of hate. It is a most unethical and non-humanitarian approach to human rights. Homophobia results in the fear of equality. At least this is my understanding of the term.

The one person who helped me learn this was my father. The man was solid and always appeared to have a demeanor of a rock. He was a stern hypocrite, and I remember when I was younger I used to hate him. It wasn’t until I grew up that I realized I never truly hated him. I just hated his ways.

When he discovered his son was a faggot, all he could do is cry and wonder where he went wrong. He called me and told me he wanted me to come home and get counseling. I refused, because the only counseling they would ever put me into would be Christian counseling, which I hold dearly the belief that this form of therapy is not healthy. Christians have always shied away from science. Evolution, creationism, faggotry — these were all the trademarks of the satanical world that Christians feared.

When I refused to my father’s demands, he removed me from his life. No contact, no funding, and my car was removed from my possession.

From this point on, there was no contact between myself and my family for three months.

When the contact returned via telephone, all we could do was argue. I defended myself to the best of my ability. I was not going to die of AIDS. Michael did not brainwash me. There is nothing wrong with me. God still loves me.

There was still a glitter of hope in my life as I clung on to those few people that understood me, yet could never understand my battle.

Homophobia kills. The suicide rate amongst gays has been catastrophic, and I am surprised about my strength. If I was not who I am, I would be dead.

I returned home for Christmas one year upon the invitation extended by my family. My entire time home was nothing but passive aggressive behavior based on the “choices” I had made in life. My father would yell at me for minutes at a time for leaving a dish in the sink, or my bed being unmade, whilst my sister’s room lay a disaster next door.

To simply sum up this time at home, I will say that it damaged me. If there were a human store I would be unable to be returned for what had happened to me. My anxiety was uncontrollable. My self-esteem destroyed. When I would close my eyes and clear my mind, the darkness that I saw on the back of my eyelids calmed me. Only to be forced open by the tears that would come from my burning eyes.

Today its been almost a year and a half since that destruction of that phone call my mother made to me.

Have I understood homophobia since then? Perhaps…

Even today I hate the word homophobia. It refers to the people whom are intolerant and apathetic to the rights of homosexuals. However, now I see that it is a much bigger scope.

I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. However, these past years I have come to hate the bible. Christians are ignorant to the ways of the Bible. I remember I asked my mother who wrote the Bible, and calmly she said “Are you silly? God wrote the Bible.”

I held my tongue. God did not write the Bible. Man did.

The last time I was home I discussed this with my mother and she stared on at me dumbfounded. It enthralls me the multitudes of Christians who do not understand where their writings come from. Yes, there are mentions of Homosexuals in the bible and how they were condemned. The part that makes no sense is the life of Jesus. Christianity was founded by Jesus. “Love thy neighbor with all your heart mind and soul.” There is nothing more than a slap in the face when I see Christians campaigning to put an end to the legalization of gay legislature.

None of these groups are Christian-like. They fear a country that gives the same rights to homosexuals. They fear a country that stands up to the ideals that it was discovered upon: freedom and rights to all.

Then, on the flip-side, there is the biological debate: male and female enable reproduction. I have had this discussion with many people, and unfortunately, I am not going to quote those ridiculous, widely-spread jokes about homosexuality. I will, however, say that homosexuality occurs naturally in the animal kingdom. And also, there is the fact that many heterosexual couples partake in the activity of unnatural practices, such as anal sex.

There’s just so many sides to this debate. For me, I follow the teachings of Jesus: to love my neighbor and my God with everything I have. This is something that none of the people who oppose my life do. It saddens me to see Christians act so unchristian, but I see no signs of this happening anytime soon.

Homophobia is simply the hatred of homosexuals and the iron-bent goal to end our progression into society.